


Memories: Ramen

by fluffybunnybadass



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: X & Y | Pokemon X & Y Versions
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kalos-chihou | Kalos Region (Pokemon), Parent Death, fic as therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29937165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffybunnybadass/pseuds/fluffybunnybadass
Summary: It’s just supposed to be a quick run to the store to get some food. It’s supposed to be a normal trip, just going up and down the aisles. Instead, one little thing just sets it all wrong, and the grief just comes back all over again.
Relationships: self/Lance
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Memories: Ramen

**Author's Note:**

> This fic features: Parental death mention, grief, emotions, snippiness, and an overall process of exploring grief. It's somewhat a personal piece.

I was at the store when it happened. I was picking up a few things for my stay at Hotel Camphrier, just a couple of quick microwave meals, frozen dinners, and other, no-effort things. I was browsing the shelves, looking at the different products, their prices, the deals. Offerings were packaged differently in Kalos, but some products were still the same. Instant noodle cups, frozen dinners with salisbury steak and mac'n'cheese, pot pies. I wasn't even looking for anything in particular, just noting the prices, filing away what was on sale and what the price equivalency was from home, when I suddenly felt it welling up inside me.

A wave. One that threatened to knock me over, the more I focused on it, the more I tried to ignore it. What was I supposed to do? Cry in the middle of the store? Try to push it away so it could only fight back against me, stronger than I had been in ages? All I did was look at the product on the shelves, and suddenly the memory hit me when I saw a familiar brand. Of the one time, when I was a kid, we had it for dinner. Of buying them up in bulk because it was on sale. Hearing, “Okay, now pick out your flavors,” and my childhood voice making a display of thinking, going “Mmmmm.... This one! I want this and this and this--” before it'd be cut off, politely, amusedly chided for grabbing more than was needed.

I quickly turned away from the product, both the one on the shelf and the one in my shopping basket. I looked at the opposite shelf, trying to focus on the products there, but I saw another brand, and more memories of the first just came at me with more force than if I had taken a Water Pulse head-on. I crumpled in on myself, slowly putting the basket down and crouching on the ground, trying to force myself not to cry. How embarrassing would it be to have a breakdown in the middle of a grocery store, in the public, all because I was shopping. All because I saw something familiar. Something from childhood.

Pika jumped onto my shoulder and gave me a concerned pat on the shoulder.

I wanted to be seen, but I didn't _want_ a scene. I wanted to be fine, but I so desperately wanted everyone to know that I _wasn't_ fine. That none of this was fine. But no, no. I couldn't. I couldn't do this right now, not in public. Were people looking? No one was down the aisle yet, so maybe they didn't notice the random adult trainer trying to hold back an emotional meltdown over _a packet of ramen_.

With only me shrugging her away as a response, Pika took matter into her own hands. I could feel her nudge the Pokeballs at my side, until one of them clicked open. I was frustrated. I didn't need her misbehaving on top of this. She gave quick, urgent cries to the Pokemon that came out, and I heard a soft, high-pitched trill, and a gentle aroma wafted towards my nose. I found myself taking deep breaths, slowly able to calm down as time passed. Soon, the wave that was threatening to drown me had subsided to its normal, choppy waters. I sniffled, finally looking at my Pokemon.

Spritzee had been using Aromatherapy. Pika was looking at me with concern. She let out a sigh when I seemed to have stopped crying, and Spritzee gave me a gentle, confused trill. She tilted her head at me. I swallowed, and pat the pink Pokemon on her head.

I took a deep, shuddering breath. “I'm okay,” I told Spritzee. “Thank you. You too, Pika, for your quick thinking.” I scratched my Pikachu under the chin, and she gave me a contented 'chu' for the thanks.

Sniffling, I quickly grabbed my things and left, making sure not to make eye contact with the cashier when I paid, in case they asked me if I was okay, and that would set everything off again. Spritzee stayed out while I shopped, every so often letting out a calming aroma when I felt like I would burst again.

I made my way back to my hotel room, passing by a group of young trainers. I could feel a pang of envy as I saw them talk, their lives new and fresh, with nothing bad on the horizon for them. Nothing to worry about, no stress, no death--

I coughed, catching the cry in my throat and quickly went into my room. My Pokemon raced in behind me as I quickly shut the door closed and I threw my things down. I leaned against the door and slowly slid down, crying, finally letting those tears overthrow me. Pika came over to snuggle me, not caring that my sobbing made her fur wet or that I got snot into it. Spritzee hovered nearby, unsure of what to do. She had a sad expression on her face, pained for the trainer that she hadn't known for very long. I kept crying like that, trying to get the images out of my mind, the embarrassment, the pain, the fear and the memories all out, so I couldn't be sad anymore. To not think about any of it anymore.

After all, wasn't that why I had come to Kalos? To try and get away from all of that? Nothing like a good gym challenge to distract you from your pain, right?

Yeah. It was going _so well_ right now.

I finally stopped crying, but I stayed there like that, sniffling. It had been awhile since I had cried like that, by myself-- or rather, where I was by myself. I had had my husband for the last few years, and while it helped knowing that he'd be there if I needed it, it also... was nice to be able to cry by myself for once. It was hard to explain-- especially when I had spent so many times crying by myself over the years that I hated being by myself when I'd need to. But now that it was over, and it was time to pick myself up, I found myself thinking-- _Don't_ \--

 _I miss my husband_.

As though that thought was a psychic link, it'd never fail to get my husband to call me. Text me. Heck, if we were even in separate rooms, just thinking about how nice it'd be to sit next to him while I was doing something could somehow summon him. On a better day, this would have been fun to muse about. But I hadn't been here in Kalos for long, and he had been concerned about me going off on another League Challenge while I was still... very much... not okay.

So when I heard the single ding notification go off, letting me know that it was a text from my husband, I cursed. I didn't take my phone out to respond, angry with myself, unwilling to share what happened, angry that he'd pick up that something happened and try to get me to talk about it. I glared at the space in front of me, not occupied by any of my Pokemon, just trying to will it all away, the entire day already, the memory, the feelings, the feeling of an _impending call_.

♪♫♪♫

_I should be over all the butterflies--_

_but I'm into you, into you_

_And even baby our worst nights_

_I'm into you, I'm into you_

♪♫♪♫

The upbeat song blared in my pocket, and I scowled, hastily regretting the change in ringtone for him. I had chosen it because it reminded me of us when the song came out earlier this year, and I thought it'd make a nice change that'd put a smile on my face because I'd know it was him calling, but right now, between everything that was just happening... I hated it.

The song ended. My phone stayed quiet, and I waited for the little notification that would let me know when there was a voicemail left. Nothing. My anger felt like burning on my skin, every nerve on end while I waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing. I started to calm down, nerves starting to relax the longer it went without notification, while curiosity grew... Until the song played again.

I let out a frustrated scream that startled Pika and Spritzee, and dug the phone out from my pocket and threw it across the ground, yelling,

“What?! What Lance?!? What do you want?!!?”

Of course, the device wasn't going to answer, having been thrown across the floor, but Pika jumped out from my lap and scurried across the floor to retrieve the phone, just as the chorus of the ringtone was ending. I glared at Pika, who looked at my innocently, trying to be helpful. I let out another scowl and took the phone from her, answering it right before the phone would stop and put it on speaker.

“Hello? Sarah?”

His voice sounded cheerful, in a way that was meant just for me. Uplifting. So that no matter how I felt at the moment, I'd feel better just by hearing him. Something that'd make it easier to play at having a normal conversation. I felt guilty for yelling at his unanswered call, but my stubborn frustration kept me from saying anything about it at all.

“Pika!” My Pikachu lit up at the sound of his voice, and looked towards me, expecting me to be happy. It was like she was saying, 'It's Lance! He's called us! Aren't you happy to hear him?'

But I wasn't. I didn't want to hear him just yet. I didn't want to talk to him while I was like this, in this mood. I didn't want to tell him that I had just narrowly avoided crying in the grocery store, only to collapse against my hotel room door and sob. That I hated it here- no, that wasn't quite right. I was going to hate being anywhere, right now. I hated that I was here, in this situation. And there was no amount of talking to that could have fixed that, I was sure.

There was a soft chuckle as he greeted Pika.

“It's nice to hear you too, Pika. Is Sarah nearby? Can you give her the phone?”

Pika looked up at me, her tail wagging softly, expectantly at me. When I didn't say anything, her ears and tail drooped, and she let out a quiet 'chu'.

The silence seemed to unnerve him, because I could hear the concern in his voice as I continued to not speak.

“Pika? Sarah? Is everything okay?”

An edge of worry to his voice. I could see the expression he must've been making when he spoke. The creases in his face as his smile slowly turned to concern. The uncertainty he would've tried to hide, if he was around others when he called. Just imagining it was making me feel guilty enough that I finally picked up the phone and answered.

“Yeah. …... Everything's fine.” I held the phone in front of me, speaker facing me as I rested my hand against my knee.

I could easily imagine the frown on his face as he didn't believe me. It wasn't a very convincing lie.

“Sarah. What's wrong?”

“Nothing!” I snapped, lowering the phone. Ugh. This was part of why I didn't want to talk. But rather than apologize like I normally would have, I did nothing except glare at the phone. I couldn't even bring myself to look at the photo of him that had come up with the caller ID.

I could hear him sigh. It was silent for a few moments, and I had to check that it was still connected-- even if I had half a mind just to close the call right then and there. Neither one of us said anything; like a stalemate, we were waiting to see if either one of us would make a move. I watched the phone call minute counter tick upwards. 2:33... 2:34... 2:35...

“Sarah...” he tried again, with a gentler, but firm voice. “Please tell me what's wrong.”

I looked away from the phone.

“Nothing's wrong.”

“Then why aren't you talking to me?”

I know he didn't mean any harm by it, and his voice was gentle, but the words managed to strike me deep in my chest, through past all the hurt and the pain that I was struggling with, and I felt tears begin to well up, their saltiness stinging my eyes, and I buried my head, trying not to cry again. Pika leapt into my lap, trying to nuzzle me to feel better, and I felt my face heat up as I realized that I was crying on the phone, with my husband listening, while I was in a whole other region, far away from him.

All because of ramen packets.

I could tell it hurt him, too, being stuck to only listening to my sobs, and not even knowing why. But he kept a calm voice as he spoke, doing his best to try and understand what had happened.

“Sweetheart, please... Tell me what happened?”

I took a deep breath to try and gather some courage, and coughed, choking on a sob. I tried again, sniffling, trying to push out each word while my throat closed on me, tightening like a vicegrip, refusing to let any single word pass through.

“I—I don't know!” I wailed. “I... was at the store... and-- and I was getting stuff to eat, and... I don't know! I just... saw... the...” I stopped, trying to swallow and calm myself down. He patiently waited, listening, not saying anything until I was done choking out every single word that I could. “I don't _know_ why....!” I whined, trying not to cry. “It just... reminded.... me... of.....her!”

I bust into tears. It was quiet, but I knew he was listening, just had he always had when he was beside me in person. Waiting, letting me cry it all out. But he wasn't here to hold me; only I was. When the call ended, only I would be the one here to gather up the pieces and pick myself back up. Only I was here, by myself, because I – for some fucking reason-- thought that it was a good idea to just travel again like nothing had ever happened. And to do it by myself, without a friend to lean on-- excepting my Pokemon. But it wasn't the same as having human companionship.

It took a while, but I finally quieted down enough that I only took a few shuddering breaths as I tried to see if I could speak again.

“....I... I'm sorry.”

“Sweetheart, no. Don't be sorry. Never be sorry for feeling like this. You're allowed to feel grief; and yes, that means _years_ later. No one gets to tell you how long you're supposed to grieve--”

“But it feels like it!” I interrupted, whining. “Like, there're people who're totally fine after a few years--”

“Sarah, do you really think that they're fine like that, all of the time? No one's 100% when it comes to grief.” He paused, hesitating, and let out a sigh. “I just wish that you would let me know when you're feeling like this more often. You can't expect to flee to another region just to escape your feelings, you know?”

I choked out a laugh. “I can try though, right?”

“You can, but it's all going to catch up to you anyways. Tell you what; I'll see if I can get time off this weekend so I can come visit you sooner--”

“Oh honey, no, please don't. Not...” _Not because I cried in a grocery store_. “You don't need to, it'll be fine in a few weeks. _I'll_ be fine for a few more weeks.”

“Somehow, I doubt that,” he said dryly, and I rolled my eyes at the phone. “I'll try to come visit you sooner, okay? And more often.”

“Why don't you just take the entire journey with me, while you're at it?” I muttered.

He let out a sigh. “You know why I can't do that.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Silence.

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked me. I felt guilt at the soft tone he used, wanting to melt into his arms and cry all over again. But no. I couldn't do that, not with my dumb ass putting a whole ass region between us.

“...Yeah. I think I'll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Mm. Not really, but if I say it enough, it'll have to be true, right?” I said with a hollow laugh. He didn't find it amusing, genuinely concerned. I'm sure he would have flown out here right away if I wasn't. I let out a deep breath. I looked up, to where Spritzee was still floating nearby; she no longer looked sad for me, but now she was a little confused on the change in mood. Given how much on-and-off crying I had just done, I don't think I'd blame her. Still... “Yes, hon, I'll be fine. I, um. I got a Spritzee a few days ago, and they're really good at giving off good scents. She knows Aromatherapy too, so there's that... And if Pika hadn't let her out, I probably would have...” Broken down in the grocery store, crying and wailing and making a big scene. “.... _wouldn't_ have made it back in time, I-I guess.”

He let out a small, thought hum. “I'm glad to hear that you're in capable paws,” he teased.

“H-hey! I'm still the trainer here!”

“Are you sure about that? It sounds like Pika might do better than you at this point.”

I scoffed. “I can't believe we're having this conversation. I'm hanging up now.”

“I love you, Sarah.”

“I love you too, Lance.”


End file.
